Stories I've Liked
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign
in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the
backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador
retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep,"
the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog
talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when
I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting
in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would
be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport
to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog. "Ten dollars," the man says. "Ten dollars? This
dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because
he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."
A duck goes into a drug store and says to the counterperson, "Give
me some chapstick and put it on my bill."
A guy goes in to see his doctor.
He says, "Help me doc. I think I'm turning into a moth.".
The doctor observes, "You don't need to see me. You need to see a
"Hey, I was on my way to one", the guy says, "but I saw
your light was on.''
The only cow in the Texas A&M Dairy stopped giving milk. The Vet from
the Large Animal Clinic did some research and found they could buy a cow
from Texas Tech, for $600.00. They bought the cow from Lubbock, and the
cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people
were pleased and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows
like it. Then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
So, they bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the
bull, and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet School Dean, who
was very wise, what to do. They told the Dean what was happening: "Whenever
the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the
back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs
off. An approach from the side, and she walks away to the other side."
The Dean thinks about this for a minute and asks, "Did you buy this
cow in Lubbock?" The Aggies were dumbfounded, since they had never
mentioned where they bought the cow.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know
we got the cow in Lubbock?" The Dean replied with a distant look in
his eye, "My wife is from Lubbock."
The Chicken Test (Supposedly A True Story)
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at
the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all
traveling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidence
of collisions with airborne fowl, and to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and
a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers
stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the
shatterproof shield, smashing it to smithereens, blasted through the control
console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in
the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the US scientists for suggestions. NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Thaw the Chicken"
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a svelte good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in
the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips,
cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me
eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from
work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx
and ask for Daisy." Callers found themselves talking to the local
Humane Society about an eight-week-old Labrador retriever.
A few years ago, Sierra Club and USFS were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seemed that, after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males
castrated, then let loose again... and the population would be controlled.
I kid you not, this was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep
Grower's association by Sierra Club and USFS. Well, all the ranchers thought
about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in
the back stood up, kicked his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think
you under- stand the problem. These coyotes ain't f--king our sheep, they're
A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.
After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't
have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what
happened to this parrot."
"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective
parrot." "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like
this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me." "I
understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent
and thoroughly educated bird." "Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then
answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well,"
the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked,
I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar,
kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer,
"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports,
physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should
buy me; I am a great companion." The guy looks at the $200.00 price
tag. He says, "I can't afford that." "Pssst," the parrot
hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because
I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00, just make an offer."
The guy offers $20. to the shop keeper and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; He's interesting;
He's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good
advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and
the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing.
The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell
you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife
and the mailman." "What?" asks the guy. "Well,"
the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife
greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth." "What
happened then?" asks the guy. "Then the mailman came into the
house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over,"
reports the parrot. "My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began
to lick her body, starting with her breasts slowly going down and down."
The parrot pauses for a long time... "What happened? What happened?"
says the frantic guy. "I don't know," says the parrot, "I
got a hard-on and I fell off my perch."
INNER STRENGTH: - If you
can start the day without caffeine or pep pills, - If you can be cheerful,
ignoring aches and pains, - If you can resist complaining and boring people
with your troubles, - If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful
for it, - If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, - If
you can conquer tension without medical help, - If you can relax without
liquor, - If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, Then you're probably
A professor at NAU was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel
for his students,he asks. "How many of you believe in ghosts?"
90 people raise their hands. "Well that's good. Now out of those,
how many of you have seen a ghost?" 40 students raise there hands.
"That's really good, I'm glad you take such an interest. Now has anyone
ever talked to a ghost?" 5 people raise there hands. "Wow"
the professor says. "And last, has anyone ever slept with a ghost?"
A redneck from way in the back raises his hand. The professor is surprised
and says "Come up here and tell your story." So the redneck walks
to the podium. The professor asks "So what's its like having sex with
a ghost?" The redneck looks at him and replies, "Aww Shit, from
way back there I thought you said "Goats"!
The guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an
unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which
came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home,
found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking
his new pet to the bar to have a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's
with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him
again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited
a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him
one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house
and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place
and have a drink with me?" A little voice came out of the box: "I
heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."
A man takes his wife to the
State Fair and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. They come
up to the first pen and there is a sign that says, "This bull mated 50
times last year." The wife pokes her husband in the ribs and says, "HE
mated 50 times last year."
They walked a little further
and see another pen with a sign that says "This Bull mated 120 times last
year." The wife hits her husband and says, "That's more than twice a week!
You could learn a lot from him."
They walk further and a third
pen has a bull with a sign saying "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife gets really excited and says, "That's once a day" You could REALLY
learn something from this one."
The husband looks at her
and says, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."
Two cows standing next to
each other in a field, Daisy said to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated
"I don't believe you.", said
"It's true," said Daisy,
"straight up, no bull!"
A blind man is standing at the corner curb with his seeing eye dog, waiting
for his furry companion to give him the signal it was OK to cross the street,
when the pooch suddenly lifts his leg and pisses all over the blind chap's
trousers and shoes. Almost immediately, the guy reaches into his pocket,
comes out with a milk bone and starts to offer it to the dog.
A businessman standing at the same corner witnesses the event and cannot
contain himself. "Excuse me my friend," he addresses the blind
fellow, "but are aware that your canine compadre just pissed on your
suit and shoes?" "Yes, I know...I'm trying to break him of that
habit," he replies. With a stunned look, the business man responds,
"Well you're never going to change his behavior by rewarding him with
a dog biscuit!" Explains the blind fellow, "I'm not rewarding
him...I'm trying to find his goddam head so I can kick his ass!"
How many mice does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
Only two, but the hard part
is getting them into the light bulb.
While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old Texas rancher
(he got his hand caught in a gate while working his cattle), a doctor and
the old man were discussing George W. Bush's health care reform ideas.
The old man said, "Well, ya know, ol' Dubbya is a post turtle."
So, not knowing what he meant the doctor asked him what a "post turtle"
was. And the man said, "When yer driving down a country road, and
ya come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post
turtle. Ya know he didn't get there by himself, he don't belong there,
he cain't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help
the poor thang git down."
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately,
after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep
the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that
they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook,
then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man
has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When
I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out
after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides
she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599,
no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister
a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and
says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've
bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up
truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,
"It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull,
the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to
send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and
says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'." The telegraph
operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you
want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here
to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow.
As a kid I was amused by this joke about the moron who was asked to find
the difference between two horses that appeared to be identical. The moron
said, "I measured their ears, and they were exactly the same in every
detail. Then I looked at their tails, even counted the hairs, and they
were exactly the same. Their faces were the same. I really couldn't tell
the difference between them. But then, finally, I took a tape measure,
and I can tell you that I finally found a difference: the white horse is
1 inch taller than the black one!"
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey
grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes
and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks
it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just
did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue
ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that
doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything
in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While
the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He
grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, rinses it off in the guy's
drink next to him and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you
see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out
and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise
me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight,
but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"
Q: Why do chicken coops have
A: Because if it had four
doors it's be a chicken sedan.
The California State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the area. They advise that people wear noise producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity. People
should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel
fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.
A grasshopper enters a saloon and sits at the bar. The bartender saunters
up and says, "We have a drink named for you, would you like one?"
Startled, the grasshopper replied, "Who would name a beverage Bob?"
A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored
hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of
leather rags. His legs are bare and he is without shoes. His entire face
and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, brightly
multicolored feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across
from an old man, who just stares at him for the next 10 miles.
Finally the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man: "What
are you looking at, you ol' fart? Didn't you ever do anything wild when
you were young?" Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah,
back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in
Singapore and had sex with a parrot, I thought maybe you were my son."
"My dog is worried about
the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in
There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The
guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's
go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with
the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts
on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door
says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman
Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?" He says, "Yes,
they're using them now, they're very good." The guy at the door says,
"Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts
on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says,
"Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says,
"You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at
the door says, "A Chihuahua?" The guy with the Chihuahua says,
"You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws
and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet. At first the guy just
waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple
of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully
sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary
from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation
that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way,
what did the chicken do?"
A burglar got into a house
one night. Shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a
voice saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He looked around nervously,
shook his head, and kept looking for valuables. He again heard, "Jesus
is watching you."
This time, he shone his light
all over, and it rested on a parrot. He asked, "Did you say that?"
The parrot admitted that
he had. "I'm just trying to warn you, is all."
The burglar said, "Warn me,
huh? Who are you? What's your name?"
The parrot said, "Moses."
"Well, what kind of stupid
people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"
The bird answered, "I don't
know; I guess the same folks who would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus.'"
The Zen Pig Farmer went out to slop the hogs one day. He poured the slop
into the trough, and the pigs came quickly and started eating. He stood
and watched. After a bit, one pig looked up at him. Licking slop from its
chin, it said, "You know, every day you come here and bring us our
food. All we do is lie around and eat, yet you see to all our needs. Why
do you do this?"
The Zen Pig Farmer stroked his beard slowly and said, "They call me The Zen Pig Farmer because of what I do." The pig went back to eating. A little later the pig looked up again. It said, "Did you ever consider that maybe you are called The Zen Pig Farmer because you are a pig farmer and I am the Zen Pig?"
A duck walks into a 7-11 convenience store and ask the clerk, "You
got any apples?" The clerk says, "We don't got any apples."
The duck leaves. Fifteen minutes later the duck returns and asks the clerk,
"You got any apples?" The clerk says, "I told you we don't
got any apples. Get outta here with that." The duck leaves. Fifteen
minutes later the duck again enters and asks t the clerk, "You got
any apples?" The clerk says, "I told you we don't got any apples.
If you ask me for apples again, I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor.
Get outta here." The duck leaves. Fifteen minutes later the duck enters
and asks t the clerk, "You got any nails?" The clerk stares at
the duck and says, "We don't got any nails here." The duck says,
"In that case do you have any apples?"
A cowboy was out one day, riding the range, when he was captured by Indians.
They dragged him back to their encampment and the chief approached him
and said "You die in three days white man, but we fair people. We
give you one wish each day, then on third day, you die, understand? ...
Now, what your first wish?" The cowboy thought a moment and said "I
want to speak to my horse." So the Indians brought him his horse.
The cowboy walked over to it, grabbed one of its ears and whispered something
to it. Then he slapped it on the ass and it took off.
In about an hour it came back with a gorgeous naked blonde. The blonde
hopped off and went into the cowboy's tent. The Indians sat around and
watched all this and said to themselves "Typical white man. Going
to die in three days, can only think of one thing." So the next night
they bring him out and the chief says "You die day after tomorrow,
white man. What your next wish?" The cowboy said "I wanna see
my horse again. So, again, they brought him his horse. He walked up to
it, grabbed one of its ears and whispered to it again. Then he slapped
it on the ass and it took off.
In about an hour it came back with a gorgeous naked redhead. The redhead
jumped down and went into the cowboy's tent. The Indians sat around and
said "Typical white man. Going to die tomorrow, can only think of
one thing." So on the third day they brought him out again. The chief
came to him and said "You die at sunset, white man. What your last
wish?" The cowboy took a deep breath and said "I wanna see my
horse." So they once again brought him his horse. He walked up to
it again and this time grabbed it hard by both ears. He leaned right in
its face and said "Read my lips! POSSE!! P-O-S-S-E, POSSE!!"
A three-legged dog walks
into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm
looking for the man who shot my paw."
A snail enters a used car
lot and buys a Volkswagen. He orders a large red "S" painted on each door.
The salesman asks, "Why the "S" on the side of your car?" The snail explains,
"When the people see me drive by they will say, 'Look at that escargot!'"
What kind of story does a
peacock write? A beautiful tale.
What time does a duck get
up? The quack of dawn, of course.
The reverend had two male parrots that were most pious, they were constantly
praying. His brother, an old sea captain, had a female parrot that spoke
only one sentence, "I'm a whore". The sea captain died, and his
parrot went to live in the cage with the pious brother birds. After being
put in the cage, she set for hours in silence, listening to the praying
of the brothers. Finally, she spoke the one sentence she knew, "I'm
a whore." The male parrots became totally quite for a long time. Finally,
a small voice said, "Our prayers are answered, brother." Another
voice replied, "Amen."
The traveling salesman was
driving down a dirt road when he sees a farmer standing in an apple orchard
with little piggies scampering around his feet. He had to stop and he watched
the farmer pick little piggies up and hold them up in an apple tree while
they ate apples.
Approaching the farmer, the
salesman asked, "What are you doing?" "Feeding my pigs", the farmer replied.
"Doesn't that take a long
time?", asked the salesman.
The farmer gazed awhile at
his piggies and murmured, "What's time to a pig?"
The Energizer bunny is dead. He died of sexual excess. The coroner's report
stated, "Instead of going, and going, and going, he started coming,
and coming, and coming..."
Setting in a drive-in movie
watching "Gone With the Wind", I was periodically disturbed by the noisy
antics of a Wirehair Terrier in the car next to me. When The South won
a skirmish, it would bark excitedly; when The North won, it howled and
put paws over it's eyes.
At intermission I met the
owner at the refreshment stand and remarked that his dog seemed to be enjoying
the movie. He replied, "Yes, and I don't understand it. He despised the
A young bull and an old bull
were standing on a hill observing a herd of heifers. Says the young bull,
"Let's run down there and inseminate some of those heifers, what do you
The old bull says,"Let us
walk down and inseminate them all."
What annoys an oyster? A
noise annoys an oyster.
Two beavers were talking
as they stared at Bolder Dam. The older beaver was saying, "No, I didn't
actually build it, but they used my concepts."
Once there was a mama groundhog
who had raised a brood of little groundhog and it was time for them to
go into the world to seek their fortune. As they approached the entrance
to their home they spied the old Tom Cat waiting for them near the entrance.
Fleeing back to mommy, the young groundhogs reported the problem and mother
groundhog said, "Follow me!"
At the entrance the mother
stopped and said, "Bow-wow-wow." The Tom Cat ran away. Mother groundhog
turns to the children and says, "You go farther in the world if you know
a second language."
Copyright © 1995, 2008 by Philip Childress
All rights are reserved.
Revised July 20, 2008